A tribute to law enforcement
The gut wrenching, petrifying moment that changed everything; a short story.
We had just finished dinner and the sun was beginning to go down as I cuddled into bed with my mom for an evening show.
The doorbell rings.
Two stocky, very authoritative men stand before me.
They were focused and on a mission. They looked angry.
I know why they are here yet so many thoughts ran through my mind, what if our abusers show up? What’s going to happen if we tell? If we disclose, will they harm us too?
One of my abusers often told us, “the world out there is far more scarier.” “they’ll tear the family apart.” “they’ll hurt you too.”
I felt everything tense up in my body as they asked question after question in a room of silence and fear. My eyes dart between my mother and the two men in front of me. The walls behind them felt far, their bodies close like i can be grabbed in any minute. I felt heat on my neck and nothing below my chest and scared i could fall in any minute. I remember my legs shaking, my eyes twitching, dizzy like view, barley making out their questions.
the moment of shift.
“Are they sexually abusing you?” “Are they forcing you to do things?” “Are your brothers hurting you?” “Are you sure?”
One cop stood quiet and the other asked the same question but differently.
Honestly, I don’t remember saying in anything right away. I felt like my breath was held, i felt hands around my mouth and nose just like at night. I couldn’t breathe. I felt stuck, glued to the floor but i remember watching the police officers. watching their movements and face. Their jaws tense, eye brows squished, one guys resting his hands on his belt where his gun sits in a holster. I felt myself suck in air. Flashes of Andrew’s angry face and him waving his gun in my face pierces my mind.
My legs shaking more. My head too. I’m signaling “no” and i remember hearing no after no.
“Are you sure?”
but then i saw one guys face change. What looked like anger switched to care and concern. His face completely softened.
“Have you had to do something you didn’t want to do?” “Are they hurting you?” “Are you sure?”
My mom’s body slumped of defeat. I was watching her and it felt like all of the dead weight in my body entered hers. “It’s alright girls (pause), you can tell them.” Silence still filled the room as moments before hearing her hiss, just stay quiet.” “but” “shh.”
“It’s okay”, mom says.
i hear my sister, “yes, they are” and suddenly this burst but dry breath came out of my throat, “yes!”
When they saw fear written all over our faces, their demeanor changed. Softened. They showed care.
Something told me to believe. To believe, they are here to help and not hurt. Their care felt new. Their words touched. They wanted to help. They didn’t give up asking and asked again and again and differently.
January 9th is National Law Enforcement Appreciation Day 💙. Thank you law enforcement for walking into the homes of the unknown. Providing care and comfort to those in need. Helping in situations that can easily turn ugly. You face it everyday with bravery. You impact others, save, and change lives.
Thank you. Your words mattered. Your care mattered. You showed me I mattered.
Some reflections & insights:
🖤 It is not uncommon for thoughts and feelings to surface surrounding the fear of repercussion when you finally disclose. A reason why many wait so long to report or not at all.
🖤 Our trauma brains tell us to trust no one. The words of abusers will surface too. Their voice in our heads.
🖤 If the men before me didn’t change their demeanor, looking serious and angry, (what I saw a lot in my childhood by my abusers), it is possible I would not have felt safe enough to tell.
•Explained further: our brains tell us people who resemble those same facial expressions, body language or tone of voice are there to harm too. It’s a link to the abuse and the belief that anyone with those expressions are the same. Heart rate increases. Cortisol levels rise. It tells us to stay quiet, be alert. Our brain and body crashes yet springs to action to do anything and everything to be safe. To be okay. This is the Polyvagal theory explained in a real life experience.
🖤 terminology in the child welfare and law enforcement world matters, but them asking over and over and differently helped. I think it was here that really highlighted for my mother to say it was okay because it became less about the term and situation of abuse and more about being human and her girls being harmed. Compassion hit the room.
Law enforcement showed that human to human, we are all the same and are deserving of care, justice, empathy and love.