Triggers during joy
I got triggered on vacation.
Saw someone who could be my fathers twin. Literally. Not just in physical looks but the way he carried himself, his hair cut, the sunglasses he wore, his whole outfit, an arm tattoo, even the way he smoked his cigarette.
These moments are so fascinating to me. Long ago, it would have immediately thrown me into this “can I just fucking live my life without the constant reminders and visuals of my abusers?!” “Why does this have to happen to me?” My brain vomiting bad memories and painful emotions.
And now, a less ping of pain and instead full of curiosity. These triggers serving as reminders and lessons.
What is the universe trying to tell me? Why would this one in a billion person be at the exact spot I am? Why did I travel all the way to the coast of Italy and happen to see this person?”
I was reminded of some open wounds. I don’t talk about the abuse I endured from my father much. I think because his action overall hurt more.
When he learned his two sons were raping his daughters, he joined. Who I thought would step in and help, didn’t. To then abandoning us all, leaving us as his sons mercy. A monster.
Seeing this random man who looked like him, swung me to realize I still have some work to do here to sew and stitch in order to heal and continue living the life I desire.
While I see my growth, I know there is more and more to come. I think that’s the journey of healing to be honest.
It truly is an ever evolving story, lots of steps forwards, some back. Reminding you of your growth, reminding of what you still need to work on. But all in all, reminding you of what you’ve survived.
Keep working to heal. Keep living, fully.
Xoxo, Kellie.
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Just celebrating my healing✨
One of my recent posts talked about being triggered on vacation - seeing someone who literally could be a twin of one of my abusers.
It’s honestly so amazing when you see and feel the transformation of your healing work. From your previous self to your present self.
The fact that seeing someone who looks like my abuser doesn’t have control over me. I’ve learned over the years how to respond to triggers.
The immediate healing measure is to breathe. (Breath-work is fire) Simple, yet sometimes hard to do when everything is thrown out of whack, your dazed and confused. But when you become aware of what’s happening, breathing fully is needed.
Our bodies, our minds, especially when being thrown back to the past, memories replaying, flashbacks of trauma surfacing, NEED oxygen, to think and respond properly.
Being triggered doesn’t mean you’re damaged or unhealed, it just means you’ve been scarred, you’ve been hurt, and it’s now part of your life and recovery. A reminder of what you have survived.
I can choose to work through those flashbacks. To consciously try to heal. I now have the tools to say, “nope, you are not running the show today” and remind my mind and body that she is safe and okay.
That my now, always healing soul knows she’s free from her abusers and can work to understand her trauma more by dissecting the memories and giving the however old inner child or teen what she needed in that moment.
Being triggered for me, it’s not just a reminder of what’s happened, but what I’ve survived. And to keep choosing to heal. A reminder to take my recovery seriously and myself seriously, all to keep living the life I desire and to the fullest. To continue to become my best and higher self.
Celebrate your healing!!! 🎉