Joy is meant for us all

I’m currently laying on a sun bed facing the pool of the Four Season, in Hong Kong!!! We’re concluding a week trip where my husband and I came to visit and prepare for our move here in just a few short months. (how is this our life!! - pinch me!!)

I’ve been getting up early before our apartment tours and meetings to sit with this view, to savor this traveling moment and to remind myself, joy is meant for me too. It’s meant for us all!!

As I sat down to journal and complete my daily gratitude passage of the day and resumed reading Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert, I looked down and saw half of my body in darkness (the shade) and half in the light and it got me thinking.

Thoughts and reflections as I looked at this photo (below) and life as of late:

The shadows represents parts of us we are reluctant to share while the sunshine represents what we do. 

That something holds us back. Showing up as the real you feels too vulnerable. You can feel exposed.

I feel this each time I share my story. Share pieces of me. Who I am becoming and who I want to be.

Some things come easier. But the harder things for me is times of joy.

Maybe in part it’s that I don’t feel worthy of it, like who am I? 

Maybe it’s In part that it feels so unreal, unlikely given where I’ve been and what I’ve been through. 

Or the white privilege that halos around me. or just the day to day privilege i have now. comfort, safety, security, love!

but i find myself playing small. I have trouble sharing the fun and exciting things in my life.

I’m working on it, trust.

But if you feel this too, know I’m with you.

I’m learning, slowly because it’s worth the delicate attention, the work. That I too am worthy of joy. I too get to experience joy. That I can soak it in when it comes.

I have to be fully be present - often reminding myself to live in the now. To quit sabotaging my own happiness or bring up old stories to justify my deserving of such experience. To say, “yes, Kellie, this is actually your life in this given moment and you deserve it.” Positive self-talk, self-compassion and gratitude is where it’s at!

The past week brought tears of joy and excitement and feelings of unworthiness. Moments that shed me to my core and reminded me that this is what I’ve prayed for.

Freedom. Real love. Travel. Growth.

To have this opportunity of being an expat, while it continues to come with it’s fair share of sacrifices, challenges, and transitions, I am grateful to experience and explore, learn and grow, be immersed into cultures and travel.

That it gets to be part of my journey.

So, so thankful for the life I live and for another beautiful day on this majestic earth.

Thank you for following along and being vulnerable and brave with me.